So here's my code:

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    Sub set_ptROOM(ByRef rm As sRoom)
        ' five handles to find:
        '   Room, Read, Write, Send, List
       ' first we find out Room Handle
        rm.rmHandle = FindWindow("dlggroupchat window class", rm.rmFullName)

This gives my room handle. The four items in the room have the same 'trunk.

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        ' Then Read, Write, Send, List all have same base
        hnd = FindWindowEx(rm.rmHandle, IntPtr.Zero, "wtl_splitterwindow", vbNullString)
        hnd = FindWindowEx(hnd, IntPtr.Zero, "wtl_splitterwindow", vbNullString)
        hnd = FindWindowEx(hnd, IntPtr.Zero, "wtl_splitterwindow", vbNullString)
        hnd = FindWindowEx(hnd, IntPtr.Zero, "wtl_splitterwindow", vbNullString)

Now we pick at each item. Listview first

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        ' Listview handle from hnd
        rm.rmListHandle = FindWindowEx(hnd, IntPtr.Zero, "wtl_splitterwindow", vbNullString)
        rm.rmListHandle = FindWindowEx(rm.rmListHandle, IntPtr.Zero, "atl:006fb328", vbNullString)
        rm.rmListHandle = FindWindowEx(rm.rmListHandle, IntPtr.Zero, "syslistview32", vbNullString)

Now we extend the new 'base' handle.

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        ' Read, Write, Send all share 1 more level
        hnd = FindWindowEx(hnd, IntPtr.Zero, "atl:006fb050", vbNullString)

Now each of the three will get their handle.

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        ' Read handle from hnd
        hndParent = hnd
        rm.rmReadHandle = FindWindowEx(hndParent, IntPtr.Zero, "atlaxwin71", vbNullString)
        rm.rmReadHandle = FindWindowEx(hndParent, rm.rmReadHandle, "atlaxwin71", vbNullString)
        rm.rmReadHandle = FindWindowEx(rm.rmReadHandle, IntPtr.Zero, "#32770", vbNullString)
        rm.rmReadHandle = FindWindowEx(rm.rmReadHandle, IntPtr.Zero, "richedit20a", vbNullString)

        ' Write handle from hnd
        hndParent = FindWindowEx(hnd, IntPtr.Zero, "atlaxwin71", vbNullString)
        hndParent = FindWindowEx(hndParent, IntPtr.Zero, "#32770", vbNullString)
        rm.rmWriteHandle = FindWindowEx(hndParent, IntPtr.Zero, "richedit20a", vbNullString)
        rm.rmWriteHandle = FindWindowEx(hndParent, rm.rmWriteHandle, "richedit20a", vbNullString)

        ' Send handle from hnd
        rm.rmSendHandle = FindWindowEx(hnd, IntPtr.Zero, "avmui_cuibitmapbutton", vbNullString)
    End Sub

Now when ever I want to use the handle, I just use rm.rmWriteHandle or rm.rmSendHandle.

I probably should make each item not have the rm prefix, but I'm not really up to par on coding standards.