He Wanted To Play Dad So I Scheduled His Vasectomy

Summary

I was born with a certain deficiency, a lack of social radar. When people speak, I take them at their literal word.

As a child, my cousin tried to snatch my favorite toy and declared, "If I can’t take this, I’ll just die right here."

So, I handed him a butter knife and, ever the helpful one, even pointed out the location of his femoral artery and dialed 911.

My ex-boyfriend once whispered, "Without you, I can’t breathe. I’ll suffocate."

I promptly held his head under the swimming pool water for three minutes, purely to test the limits of human physiology.