I Can’t Afford Dad’s Ridiculous Noise Fines

Summary

My father liked silence. He said noise was a sign of the lower classes, so he installed a decibel meter in our house.

Speaking above 40 decibels was a one-dollar fine. Laughing over 60 decibels cost five.

Crying was a capital offense: ten dollars a second.

When I was four, I broke my arm. I didn't make a sound. I bit through two of my own teeth and saved my father a few hundred dollars in "noise fees."

My father praised me for being sensible. He called me a "cost-effective" child.

I treasured that compliment, carefully maintaining the dead silence of our home.