Take Your Love, I'll Take the Fortune

Summary

All the relatives knew I had a "backward cousin."

For my birthday, she gave me a grocery-store pound cake.

When I ran a marathon, she presented me with a pair of worn-out canvas sneakers.

At my graduate school acceptance party, she even sent a funeral wreath of white lilies with a sash that read "In Sympathy," wishing me an early departure to the afterlife.

In my previous life, I slapped her so hard she tumbled down the porch steps.

My brother took her side and plotted revenge, falsely reporting to the university that I had cheated on my SATs. My admission was revoked.