Too Lazy to Be Your Rival

Summary

My single greatest ambition in this life has always been profoundly simple: to eat entirely horizontal.

To that end, back when I lived in that cramped, drafty house on the outskirts of town, I rigged a makeshift hammock basket directly above my headboard. Jalapeño beef jerky on the left, sour cream potato chips on the right, and an extra-long bendy straw permanently submerged in a two-liter bottle of soda resting on my nightstand.

My foster parents spent eighteen years screaming that I was an indolent, useless waste of space.